THE DRUNK REPORT

We’re constantly updating and correcting things here at The Drunk Report, in order to give you the top shelf drinking/reading experience you are looking for.  In that spirit, we’re keeping the daily and weekly versions of the Reason to Binge Drink award, but doing away with the Captain Obvious Award.  We will still report News of the Obvious, but one award should be sufficient to point out the ass-hats and fuck-tards in the news.

Speaking of awards, this week’s Reason to Binge Drink goes to:  Oliver “Ollie” “Iran-Contra” North for his equating the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell with allowing self-identified pedophiles to marry their victims and be in the military.  Ollie, with idiots like you spouting off on national television, America continues to look like a bunch of bigoted morons to the rest of the planet.  Thanks.  Really, thank you.  And those “thank yous” are from the alcohol business as they are happy you are helping to keep them in business.

Now, on to the Weekly Roundup!

Sunday, 31 January 2010

Reason to Binge Drink:  Faux Noise’s Richard Ailes for continuing to pretend his network is “news” and foisting it on unsuspecting Americans as such.

Monday, 1 February 2010

Reason to Binge Drink:  Goldman Sachs’ hundred million dollar man.  A hundred million dollars as a bonus after a bailout?  Do I have to explain this?

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Reason to Binge Drink:  Congressman Duncan Hunter – Republican – California who had an amazingly stupid exchange on NPR.  A man who is worried about hermaphrodites in the military shouldn’t be allowed to hold elected office.  Seriously, Californians, you have to have somebody better than this guy.  I have friends in California who I will do my best to convince to run in his stead, they will do a much better job as they aren’t fucking stupid butt nuggetts.

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

Reason to Binge Drink:  The Daily Kos’ poll of Republicans.  Why?  Because it exposes the majority of self-identified Republicans as people who have no idea what the Constitution actually says and have virtually no common sense.  And this is one of the two major parties in American politics.  And people wonder why I pinch the bridge of my nose while muttering “oh, Jesus” on a daily basis.

Thursday, 4 February 2010

Reason to Binge Drink:  Bill O’Reilly for having Jon Stewart on his show and trying to make Stewart look like an idiot – only to make himself, Bill O’Reilly, look like an uninformed douche-bag extraordinaire.  Not that that takes much.  He tends to do that on a daily basis.  O’Reilly tried to make Faux Noise sound like an actual news station, which anyone with half a brain will realize that it isn’t.  It’s an entertainment station.  And when O’Reilly tries to compare Stewart’s show to his – laughable.  He tried to make it sound like Jon Stewart tricks people into believing he has a serious news program.  Ummm…O’Reilly?  Yeah, Jon Stewart’s show is on COMEDY CENTRAL…a station that doesn’t try to cover up its agenda.  Oh, and its agenda is to make people laugh, not prey on the fears and ignorance of the majority of Americans.

Friday, 5 February 2010

Reason to Binge Drink:  Senator Richard Shelby – Republican – Alabama, who is currently holding up all executive nominations under a “blanket hold.”  Basically, anyone President Obama nominates from dog-catcher on up is “on hold” until Senator Shelby gets all the earmarked pork he desires for the state of Alabama.  Sounds like a terroristic threat to me – he’s holding people hostage and holding up government business until his demands are met.  I didn’t think the United States negotiated with terrorists.  Maybe they should throw him in a jail cell and charge him with treason as he is aiding and abetting all enemies of the state by holding up the government with his petty bullshit.  Hopefully, the people of Alabama will realize he is bringing down their reputation faster than a KKK Grand Dragon from Alabama yelling on a bull-horn at the Pride Parade in DC and vote his dumb, pork-loving ass out of office.

Saturday, 6 February 2010

Reason to Binge Drink:  Oliver “Ollie” “Iran-Contra” North who appeared on Sean Hannity’s show (yes, I know, Faux Noise) to equate allowing consenting adult gay and lesbian service members to serve openly to allowing pedophiles into the military and having them marry their victims.  I know I’m one of those people who can actually think logically, so I don’t see the correlation.  Ollie needs to stick to breaking the law versus discussing it – he’s obviously better at the former.