The theory goes like this. Consider how many endomorphs figure among the major players to the right of Louis XIV in the Republican hierarchy. If you don’t know, that’s fine, you’ve been drinking and probably still are, so an endomorph is someone who retains physical attributes of infancy as an adult. Mostly, this relates to baby fat–floppy jowls and cheeks, double chins and flabby bellies, a generalized, blubbery aura.

Count them up: Mitch McConnell, Rush Limbaugh, Karl Rove,Glenn Beck, Roger Ailes, et al. My guess is, as endomorphs they all watched sports from the sidelines all through school. True, some of the largest endomorphs make good linemen, but this can’t have been true for the people in question. So they grew up watching The Big Game, and yearning to beat up all the athletes who got the girls. Not playing sports, they had time to read The National Review and hone their speaking abilities. Still suet-stuffed as adults, they were now free to develop a natural, high-cholesterol taste for dirty tricks and nasty tactics, on the air or in Congress.

Yes, there is a certain ad hominem quality to my theory, but I don’t think that should be allowed to damage its basic soundness. And make no mistake: the theory is not anti-fat people. Barney Frank is fat, and I like him. Teddy Kennedy was always stout, and excepting Chappaquiddick he was a pretty good guy. No, the theory is just anti-isomorphic right-wingnuts, that’s all. Thank you.