Sandra Neish
Jack Manhattan
Harvey Wallbanger
Before we begin our regularly scheduled drinking already in progress, I would like to ask all you cute little Bar Flies to send all your best thoughts and prayers to our fellows in Haiti. Also, I would ask that you research what you can do to help the people of Haiti. Check out our Liquid Lunch from yesterday and there’s a link to Dave Barry’s blog which contains comments about what we can do to help Haiti after their catastrophic earthquake. Thank you.
Now, on to Tonic Thursday! It really is Tonic Thursday for me. In spite of all that is wrong right now, there is amusement to be had. Yes, it is in fact at someone else’s expense. Two people, as a matter of fact. Two very, very entertaining people.
Can you guess who? I’m sure you can: Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin! Oh, honey, I have watched that one hour long (painfully long) interview between Captain Crazy and Governor Quits-a-Lot. It was painful, but intensely funny. Crazy meets Stupid is a comedic train-wreck that will keep the comedy business afloat through this economy!
They met at a restaurant just across from the Statue of Liberty…Beck pointed this out, over and over and over again. He finally got to the point: he doesn’t trust Capitol Hill (the dome is after him, he knows it), he doesn’t trust courts (a judge may realize he needs a 72 hour psychiatric hold) and he doesn’t trust the White House (the Secret Service would most likely shoot first and ask questions later with someone that loony near the President).
Palin thinks it’s dangerous to trust people, too. Beck asked her if there was a moment when she realized that she was “surrounded by sharks.” OMG, yes! But she thanks God every day for the “sincere” people on the campaign because they “saved her sanity.” Really? She had sanity to save?
Beck then steers her toward who would be the best type of candidate to have. Palin believes it would be someone “reluctant to serve.” Yes, well that would immediately disqualify Sarah Palin as a candidate for, well, anything. Her reluctance to serve is like my reluctance to have another drink. Completely feigned for polite company.
Beck then starts whining about how the two of them were the #1 Halloween costumes last year and they were made to look “stupid” on Saturday Night Live. “Look” stupid? Ummm…honey, SNL doesn’t have to spoof the two of you to make you look anything. You guys do a much better job on a daily basis.
Then, the most touching moment of this weird-assed interview: Beck admits that he only voted for McCain because of Palin. She evidently had him at “I can see Russia from my house!”
The comedy started up again shortly thereafter when Palin made a statement about “common sense solutions that are so obvious to us.” I think the dictionary just got offended that the words “common sense” were used by Sarah Palin in a comment about Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck on the Glenn Beck program. People with common sense (i.e. not Palin or Beck) were also offended.
Sarah Palin once again reminded us all of her qualifications to fail fifth grade. Apparently, the history lessons she got in Wasilla, Alaska taught Palin that every 200 years, things change. We just need a more historical perspective on it. I’d like to ask Governor Quits-a-Lot to spell “historical.”
Oh, and lest I forget, Palin’s hair resembled a brown football helmet with obvious blonde streaks. She needs to find a new hair guy, but she can’t go see mine because I would never wish that on Brian! Her hair didn’t move the entire time. Also, she agreed with every single word out of Glenn Beck’s mouth with a whispery, porn-starish “yeah, yeah.” Sometimes there’s just not enough alcohol to erase something from your brain.
Oh, and not to be left behind in this compelling, historical, high-brow, intelligent conversation, Beck proceeded to ask Palin if universal healthcare was unconstitutional. She said that it is and it violates the 10th amendment and states’ rights. Beck stated that those voting for healthcare were doing it due to BRIBES! They are taking MONEY for their votes! Even if they say they don’t care if they get kicked out of office for voting on healthcare, apparently these “bribes” are more money than they make as an elected official.
Palin admits she didn’t want to look like a complete dufus for the interview with Beck (oh, that’s just too easy), so she had her son Google the Statue of Liberty prior to it. She then explained all the symbolism to Beck who started talking about Moses and horns. Which brought them both to France.
Apparently – and I don’t think the French or any learned historian is aware of this – the French, according to both Beck and Palin, sent America the Statue of Liberty to try to keep the US from becoming like France. The French hate themselves and revere America as a land of true liberty. (No, my sarcasm really knows no bounds).
That brings us to the topic of God. Beck and Palin believe that there are only 3% of Americans who don’t want God in politics or schools or anything. Those pesky 3% are keeping us from the theocracy 97% of us are dying to have. Where do they get these numbers? Oh, yeah, outta their ASSES!
Palin believes there is incontrovertible proof (note: not her word, she doesn’t know what that word means) that America was founded on God! Beck says he wants George Washington to run again. And if he can’t do it or doesn’t want to or something, that Sarah Palin should run for President and WIN!
Now, Beck said he didn’t want to run because “we’d run out of missiles.” Then, he said he was joking. It was really because of he “lost his soul once already.” The Captain Obvious question: you had a soul to start with? He then asks Palin if she thinks she could keep her soul.
She hems and haws and says that voters need to check out candidates and their voting records. Beck keeps harping about his trust issues and how the world is fallen. He asks Palin who her fave founder is. Her typical answer “all of them!” He tries to sound tough and call her on it, so she caves and says “my fave is your fave!” Then, they have a love-fest about how they both adore George Washington and how Palin doesn’t think prostitutes should run for office.
Beck and Palin then ask NBC if they can come co-host SNL and make fun of themselves because they can do it so much better than actual comedians. Beck suggests Palin do a spoof of Tina Fey. Palin says she’d love to. (Please, NBC, let them…I would laugh so hard I’d crap myself!)
As Beck wraps up they talk about Ellis Island and how immigration needs to be easier on people, except illegal immigrants. Finally, he asks Palin the $2 hooker question: are you a Republican? She says she is and it’s because America was founded on the 2-party system (*snort*) and there isn’t a need for a 3rd party if the Republicans do their jobs and go back to the planks in their party platform.
Thus ends the most hysterical interview I’ve seen in my entire life! I’d tell you all to watch it, but something like that should only be attempted by a professional alcoholic like myself. It takes a whole lotta booze and a stomach of iron to watch complete bull-shit like that and realize there are people who take them seriously. On that note, I’m getting another drink.
