Sandra Neish
Jack Manhattan
Harvey Wallbanger
Good Martini Monday, boys and girls! Now that you’ve read the recipe for the Perfectly Dry Martini and have put that lesson into practical use, it’s time to get down to business!
Let’s say this Cat needs a martini to wash down this bit of booze…I mean, news. Time for a collective eye-roll and (in unison, please): “only in America (*sigh*).”
I love America. I think it’s darling and free and fabulous, however, it is a wee bit prudish. Chalk it up to those non-drinking, barely-bathing Puritans who helped found our great nation, but we only want to see beautiful people with lots of plastic attached naked. If Grandma wants to hit the streets in her 90-yr-old birthday suit, she will wind up either fined or jailed. If Jenna Jameson wants to strut around similarly attired, the cops would be taking photos with her.
Which brings me to my point – yes, I have one – this guy:
Unfiltered Coffee Man thought he could be naked in his own house. Yeah, right. George W. Bush hasn’t been gone from the White House for a full year and he thought our civil liberties had already been restored. Sorry to disappoint you, but President Obama is not Superman. He’s barely not Disappointment Man! (See Jack Manhattan for further details).
Why, oh, why is America so backasswards? Yes, we were founded by Puritans, but last I checked – and yes, I have been drinking martinis, but not that many – we were no longer burning witches on street corners. Nobody is getting arrested for not attending church (yet).
Another thing I’d like to know: why has Miss Nosy Nancy got her panties in a twist cuz she was being a PEEPING TOM? If you don’t want to see what goes on in your neighbor’s house, here’s a piece of sound advice: DON’T FUCKING LOOK!
In Europe, they wouldn’t even give it five milliseconds of thought, a European would have just waved at his neighbor and thought about trimming the hedges. In America, it’s a capital offense. Next up, a book burning in Virginia, I’m sure.
As a sign of the seriousness of the situation, I am setting down my drink in order to say the following:
America! Yeah, you! Can you find your ass? Good! Now, that long, hard thing poking out of your asshole? Grab the end that’s sticking out and give it a good yank. Is it out? Great! Now that the stick is out of America’s ass, perhaps we can clean out all the backed up shit and have a chance to actually be FREE!
Please return to your regularly scheduled drinking already in progress. I know I am.
