THE DRUNK REPORT

(The following only applies to those members of the listed groups who proclaim they want freedom and lower taxes, dammit, but are obviously full of crap – we’re looking at you, Sarah Palin).

Dear Republican Party, Tea Party and Self-Identified Conservatives:

We HEAR you.  Trust us, you are yelling and screaming at the top of your voices and you are heard.  We know, we know, you don’t believe us.  Here, proof:

• You want LOWER TAXES!
• You want SMALLER GOVERNMENT!
• You want DECREASED GOVERNMENT SPENDING!
• And you want it NOW, DAMMIT!

See, told you, we were listening.  Unfortunately for you, we were listening very closely.

We were listening when you wanted lower taxes and decreased government spending and smaller government.  Those seem very reasonable.

We were also listening when you wanted to continue the Iraq War and send more and more troops to Afghanistan.  We were listening when you wanted to increase defense spending.  We were listening to the Republican congressmen/women who wanted earmarks for their states and held-up government business to get hem (Senator Shelby!).

We heard “smaller government.”  Sounds great!  We love the idea of the government being small enough to stay out of the way of individual freedoms.

But we heard you on the Patriot Act.  We heard you on the new immigration law in Arizona.  We hear you on gay rights and gay marriage.  We hear you against any religion that isn’t White Anglo Saxon Protestant.  We hear you.

We hear you spout on the Constitution.  And we wonder…do you know what is in the Constitution?  You talk about the Bill of Rights.  Do you understand settled law and the penumbra of rights conferred by the Ninth Amendment as expounded upon in the landmark Supreme Court case Griswold v Connecticut?  Have you heard of Griswold v Connecticut?

No, no, please don’t go Googling it now on our account.  Google it for yourself.  Educate yourself.  Learn about the actual case, and of course, the actual Constitution.  Do you know about the so-called “power of the purse and the power of the sword?”  Do those words mean anything to you?  Do you know how our government is actually set up?  You won’t find it by only reading the Bill of Rights.  There’s your first clue.

Another thing, we hear you on smaller government.  We hear you on freedom.  Trust us, you yell and scream it so much we can’t help but hear it.  But do you hear yourselves?

Do you hear yourselves when you cram Christmas down retailers’ throats?  Retailers who aren’t out to kill Christmas, just capitalize on other holidays?  Capitalize = Capitalism.  Isn’t capitalism one of those things you love so much?  Isn’t free market capitalism one of your big conservative principles?  Then, quit pointing fingers at the “evil liberals” for “making war on Christmas” when it’s your own principles doing it.

Do you hear yourselves talk about the founding fathers?  Do you really, really, I mean really believe George Washington (Sarah Palin’s favorite, or more likely, the only one she can actually name) would want to cram Christianity down the collective throat of America at the point of a bayonet?

If you want smaller government so much, stay out of other people’s bedrooms, places of worship, and lives in general.  If you want more freedom, stop trying to restrict the freedom of others.  If you want the government to spend less money, stop supporting imperialism and egotistical politicians.  If you want lower taxes, see all of the above and you just might get your wish.

Until the day you stop and listen to what you are saying and the absolute utter bullshit you are spewing, we are going to tune you out.  We have heard you.  We have listened.  Too many times, we have listened.

Now, we are done.  We refuse to listen to you and your crap until you quit lying to yourselves.  If you would like help, we will pour you a drink and direct you to the nearest mental help facility.  You are too far gone for us to save you.

Yours in Inebriation,

The Drunk Report