Open Letter to the Conservative Movement

(The following only applies to those members of the listed groups who proclaim they want freedom and lower taxes, dammit, but are obviously full of crap – we’re looking at you, Sarah Palin).

Dear Republican Party, Tea Party and Self-Identified Conservatives:

We HEAR you.  Trust us, you are yelling and screaming at the top of your voices and you are heard.  We know, we know, you don’t believe us.  Here, proof:

  • You want LOWER TAXES!
  • You want SMALLER GOVERNMENT!
  • You want DECREASED GOVERNMENT SPENDING!
  • And you want it NOW, DAMMIT!

See, told you, we were listening.  Unfortunately for you, we were listening very closely.

We were listening when you wanted lower taxes and decreased government spending and smaller government.  Those seem very reasonable.

We were also listening when you wanted to continue the Iraq War and send more and more troops to Afghanistan.  We were listening when you wanted to increase defense spending.  We were listening to the Republican congressmen/women who wanted earmarks for their states and held-up government business to get hem (Senator Shelby!).

We heard “smaller government.”  Sounds great!  We love the idea of the government being small enough to stay out of the way of individual freedoms.

But we heard you on the Patriot Act.  We heard you on the new immigration law in Arizona.  We hear you on gay rights and gay marriage.  We hear you against any religion that isn’t White Anglo Saxon Protestant.  We hear you.

We hear you spout on the Constitution.  And we wonder…do you know what is in the Constitution?  You talk about the Bill of Rights.  Do you understand settled law and the penumbra of rights conferred by the Ninth Amendment as expounded upon in the landmark Supreme Court case Griswold v Connecticut?  Have you heard of Griswold v Connecticut?

No, no, please don’t go Googling it now on our account.  Google it for yourself.  Educate yourself.  Learn about the actual case, and of course, the actual Constitution.  Do you know about the so-called “power of the purse and the power of the sword?”  Do those words mean anything to you?  Do you know how our government is actually set up?  You won’t find it by only reading the Bill of Rights.  There’s your first clue.

Another thing, we hear you on smaller government.  We hear you on freedom.  Trust us, you yell and scream it so much we can’t help but hear it.  But do you hear yourselves?

Do you hear yourselves when you cram Christmas down retailers’ throats?  Retailers who aren’t out to kill Christmas, just capitalize on other holidays?  Capitalize = Capitalism.  Isn’t capitalism one of those things you love so much?  Isn’t free market capitalism one of your big conservative principles?  Then, quit pointing fingers at the “evil liberals” for “making war on Christmas” when it’s your own principles doing it.

Do you hear yourselves talk about the founding fathers?  Do you really, really, I mean really believe George Washington (Sarah Palin’s favorite, or more likely, the only one she can actually name) would want to cram Christianity down the collective throat of America at the point of a bayonet?

If you want smaller government so much, stay out of other people’s bedrooms, places of worship, and lives in general.  If you want more freedom, stop trying to restrict the freedom of others.  If you want the government to spend less money, stop supporting imperialism and egotistical politicians.  If you want lower taxes, see all of the above and you just might get your wish.

Until the day you stop and listen to what you are saying and the absolute utter bullshit you are spewing, we are going to tune you out.  We have heard you.  We have listened.  Too many times, we have listened.

Now, we are done.  We refuse to listen to you and your crap until you quit lying to yourselves.  If you would like help, we will pour you a drink and direct you to the nearest mental help facility.  You are too far gone for us to save you.

Yours in Inebriation,

The Drunk Report

Dear Mr. President: Grow a Pair!

Dear President Obama:

We here at The Drunk Report were enthusiastic when John McCain did not win the presidency, which is not to say we were your strongest supporters.  We were just really, really glad Sarah Palin was not one heart attack away from the presidency.  Also, McCain started pandering to the Christianists (who are one home-made, strap-on bomb away from Islamists), and we aren’t fans.

Then, we thought we’d see what you could do.  We realized you weren’t George W. “Dubya” Bush and were more thankful than you could possibly imagine.  So, we waited.  And we waited.  And we waited.  And WAITED.  We’re still waiting for you to do something besides (in the vernacular known only to Dubya and the state of Texas) “talk real purty like.”

Because that’s all you’ve been doing.  Granted, it’s a vast improvement over our last president who had the English pronunciation skills of an inebriated Elmer Fudd.  But it’s not enough.  At least he got shit done.  Of course, it wasn’t shit that needed doing, but he managed to ram it down everyone’s collective throat and up everyone’s collective ass.

You talk a great game about gay rights.  Nada.

Now, you’re talking a great game about drug control policy.  In fact, this letter was inspired by an article I just read over on Huffington Post.  A great article that leaned your way.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t get past the words “encourages,” “strategy,” “called on Congress to end,” “rhetoric,” and “request.”

None of those words equals action or authority.  None of those words mean anything is getting done.  I feel like those are the only words I hear out of the Obama administration anymore.  I hear “we would like Congress to do something or other people in the private sector to do something, but we just can’t.  We’d like to, but we can’t.”

So, we’d like to offer you some advice, Mr. President:  grow some balls or borrow Hillary’s, because we all know, she would’ve gotten shit done by now.

Sincerely,

The Drunk Report.

What the Obama Administration Is Doing For the Gay Community

Well, there’s…….

…….

…….

…….

…….

…….

….yeah, I got nothin’.

The Commercialization of Politics

Mad Men should be set in the halls of Congress.  After all, no advertisers are better than those who pimp politics.  Architects of campaigns come in the shape and guise of advisers, public relations gurus and, lest we forget, entertainment political commentators.

America is a commercial society.  A single ad run during the Super Bowl costs an outlandish amount of money and could potentially influence millions.  Next time your favorite prime-time television show comes on, look closely at the commercials.  They try to convince you that you have a need for their product or service.  Don’t forget to look at the program itself.  Companies also pay to have their products placed within a show.

But how does this work for politicians and political campaigns?  Easy, watch Fox News.  Listen to Rush Limbaugh or Glenn Beck on the radio.  On second thought, don’t watch or listen for your own sanity.  Trying to follow what they have to say can lead to fatal alcohol poisoning.

Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and others are the Mad Men of the Tea Party and the GOP.  Recently, I read – I believe it was actually a comment on Facebook amazingly enough – a question these political Mad Men may want to ponder.  If those affected by the Columbine shooting can point fingers at Marilyn Manson and goth rock and violence in movies and video games, what is going to happen when the militias form and guns raised and the extremists point to them as their sources of inspiration?

Will the public point the finger of blame at the advertisers selling war and blood?  Will these advertising gurus get called on the carpet for their tone of hate?

Not all members of the GOP or the Tea Party are extremists or ready to hold  a blood-soaked revolution.  But there are those – especially – in the newly formed Tea Party who wish to subvert the movement for their own gain.  Limbaugh and all of his ilk are especially eager to get their greedy paws on a whole new group of willing sheep to baa-baa after them.

The question remains:  what happens when someone gets hurt?  And don’t say it won’t happen.  Violence is already on the agenda of the extremists.  Those Senators who approved of the health care bill got death threats.  A gas line was cut at member of Congress’ family.  Racial slurs were shouted and an African American Senator was spit upon.

This is not indicative of the majority of the Tea Party movement, I’m sure.  Granted, I enjoy slamming the Tea Baggers and the GOP, but I don’t believe that the fascists of the extreme right are the entirety of the movement.  Just as I don’t believe that the suicide/homicide bombers and fascists of extreme Islam are indicative of the entirety of the Muslim faith.

The problem for the Tea Party and the GOP is how to differentiate themselves from these political carnival barkers.  Do they understand that guilt by association will taint them when a set of these hard-core militia types does something like, say, blow up a building?  Do they think that the good, solid, hard-working American people who embrace lower taxes and smaller government will keep giving them their loyalty when Limbaugh, et al are exposed for the charlatans and muckrakers they are?

I realize how easy it is for them to see the dollar signs the Tea Party movement is bringing them.  More books to sell, more shows to host, more brains to wash.  But when the Tea Party movement gets so subverted and perverted by those on the fringes, where will the fingers point?

To the advertisers, to those pushing fury and anger and evil and twisting and warping the intent of a movement, to those who sold the soul of the movement to the devil for a few pieces of silver.

Working our way back…

Sorry for the long delay in posting, dear Bar Flies.

I’ve been sick in the worst way for the past month and am only beginning to be on the mend.

We have lots to discuss…priests, Goldman Sachs, health care, Obama, Tea Baggers, et cetera.

Trust…we’ve got it covered.  Your drunkety drunk-drunk bar-keeps are on the mend and will be giving you the exclusive scoop of everything through the martini glass in the very near future.

And by “very near future,” I mean starting next week.  Gotta find out when Jack is emerging from his birthday haze, but other than that, we’ll be back in the cocktail shaker ASAP!  Well, ASAP = post weekend, but you know what we mean.

Lots of Love & Drinks,

Cat Martini